How it started and where I am now

 I don’t remember exactly when it was when I realized I was different. I know it was in elementary school. I can’t pinpoint the exact time, though. I do remember feeling a lot of anxiety in school, although I did not know that was what it was. I would just have these intense nervous feelings, and I’d get all jittery. I was extremely awkward—another word I didn’t know the meaning of. I think I was born with mental illness. I’ve always felt different for as long as I can remember. I’ve always felt well, off. It’s hard to explain. It’s like there was a disconnect between me and other people. They either didn’t understand me, or I didn’t understand them. This carried on well into my adult life. I had some therapy in my teens through church, but I never found it very helpful. Then, as an adult, I had some clinically based therapy and found some of it helpful, but it was disjointed and inconsistent. I think if I had stayed with it and made it consistent, I would have been a lot better off. It wasn’t until my 30’s though, when a suicide attempt got me the help I truly needed. A psychologist and a psychiatrist started treating me, and I found out I not only had severe anxiety (social and general), but I also had depression and borderline personality disorder. I was also diagnosed with ADHD. The anxiety and depression didn’t shock me by that point. Neither did the BPD. I had already started to suspect it after watching Girl Interrupted and really relating to Winona Ryder’s character. There were other signs of BPD that I recognized from doing some research as well. The ADHD shocked me, though. So here I was with all these diagnoses, and I didn’t know what to do with them all. So, I started going to therapy regularly, and I started taking medication. I did whatever I could to help myself get better. It’s been a long road from then to now, and I’ve been through a lot, but I am a lot better than I was. I get stronger every day. Sometimes, I fall back, but I get right back up again and keep going on. As this blog continues, I’ll share more of those stories of what I’ve gone through. This is just a synopsis to get you an idea.